Luminosity

House is almost empty, luggage and carry-ons are getting full, salaams have been sent to friends and regards to contacts.  Insha’Allah our journey, that of my husband’s, children and self begins tomorrow as we leave our home, life, society, my loving parents, caring brother, kindhearted sister-in-law, and my blessed newborn nephew. If it were any other place in the world, I don’t know if I’d have the strength.  But this is for Allah, but this is Madinah. So if by His Permission we get there and if insha’Allah I am given the means by Him to write…then insha’Allah I hope to continue to express what I learn and experience in Daar al-Eman with hopes to share to all of you the

 Luminosity of the Sacred City of Al-Madinah. 

…and ALLAH Knows Best.

I’m sending this off insha’Allah right before I leave… Basically this woman has driven me nuts this past year with her passive aggressive behavior with remarks about Islam left and right. Then when she found out we are moving to Saudi insha’Allah we exchanged some heated emails. I let it go and didn’t respond to her last one until now.  I just wrote this below, but haven’t sent it yet. Hmm, not sure if I will, or if I should just let it go for good..what do you think?

“Hi *****,

Thank you for the photo album you gave Mercy. she loves it, and will be one of those keepsakes God-willing.

I also wanted to mention to you something about that last emails you sent me..specifically about hijab. I didn’t reply to you since then because although you hoped i wouldn’t get offended, i actually did. i don’t know where you get your information from that muslim women who cover are limited in physical outdoor sports. you are wrong there. Even when it comes to swimming actually, I don’t think though that you are really interested in learning how, so I won’t bother, but it happens all the time. Just because things aren’t obvious to you, doesn’t mean they aren’t correct, or capable of being done. Also about the comment you made of women who wear it..that you thought it was sort of like a reverse ostentation..-”look how pious i am” representation. To me, for someone to think of muslim women who guard their modesty more than the average woman here in the US is arrogant as you described, possibly might be insecure in their own self so much that they would feel threatened somehow by women who decide to be modest in dress and in action? Just a thought. I could be wrong, but most people who have nothing to do with Islam can appreciate modest forms of dress that Muslim women take to heart..so it surprises me that you do not..and I guess that is your choice.

It seems that maybe you view Islam using a personal slant through the negative experiences you’ve shared with me about your ex-husband’s family..and although you say you respect him deeply, and you have been so kind and wonderful to Mercy, as a muslim child at the school…it seems that-these positive experiences have not been enough for you to hold your comments back when it comes to my beliefs as a Muslimah…that I probably share with your ex and Mercy who you claim to love. So although I am always up for a good talk…and am happy you felt comfortable enough to disclose these feelings about random issues over the past year, I hope that you will continue to be as expressive as needed to remain positive and encouraging towards school-parents, but without crossing the line of putting down a religious point of view; no matter what their religion is. Because if you believe that outward appearances whether its hijab, crosses, yarmulkes…divide us more than unite us, then perhaps one could think that social drinking, pre-marital affairs, and dealing with interest are things that can unite us as humanity? Unlike you, religious representation by orthodox jews, christian nuns, or muslim women dressed all black in niqab do not bother me at all. what concerns me is when the audience of these people displaying their beliefs don’t stop to understand the purpose behind the dress or charm they have on. What gets me is the stereotypes that are thrown at these people, especially when knowledge is so easily accessible to them.  They choose to be ignorant rather than be informed. 

Anyways, in the Quran there is a beautiful chapter that guides people…not just Muslims..(even though Muslims are the only ones that take the Quran as a holy book). It’s something we believe God told Prophet Muhammad to say to those who do not believe in Islam..perhaps with your studies of Islam with your ex you came across it:

“I worship not that which you worship, Nor will you worship that which I worship.

And I shall not worship that which you are worshipping.

Nor will you worship that which I worship.

To you be your religion, and to me my religion.”

Having said all that, I do want you to know one thing…that above all the conversations we’ve had, I still and always will appreciate your random acts of kindness towards Mercy.  There was a purpose for us meeting and feeling so comfortable through out our discussions, and for whatever that purpose was aimed for..perhaps it was fulfilled. I do hope that we will keep in touch, and always remember that if I’ve said anything to offend you at all, I hope you know that it was not my intention too. Also, in defense towards Islam…for whatever its worth to you, Islam is a perfect institution, but Muslims are not free from error. So forgive me if I have said anything upsetting, for that was not my intention at all.

May God guide us all…”

All the negative comments she’s made to me about Saudi, I can deal with…but for her to mess with the hijab and try to undermine it’s imporance, and even more, to say it’s not fard?! Subhan’Allah, if she only knew I am contemplating niqab…what else would she say?!

…& ALLAH knows best..

Subhan’Allah. I thought I might be able to fast today, but I can’t. Relating this to my husband I said maybe Allah would not accept it from me…even though the reward for fasting today is so grand according to our beloved Rasullilah (sal’Allahu alayhee wa’salam) for it is the Day of Arafat.  My husband then said, and insha’Allah you won’t fast next year either. Hmm?! He quickly added maybe Allah will invite me for Hajj -so instead of fasting maybe insha’Allah I will be standing on Jabal ar-Rahmah supplicating with millions of other Muslims. Allah knows best. That was a pleasant dream to start my day with.

So our house is almost empty, anyone want to buy it?! My important documentations like medical and school records are all packed in a carry-on bag, sleeping on mattresses, and eating whatever my mother cooks and brings over for us as all our kitchen gear is packed or donated away.  Our container has been put on hold by US customs, which was sort of a given anyway seeing that it’s making its way to Saudi insha’Allah. Yesterday I brought my oldest to her school from last year (I’m homeschooling this year) to say bye to all her friends whom she sees almost every friday at Jummuah.  I was asked more questions from the teachers and Muslim sisters there like: “So do you know about the schools there?” ”Where in Madinah are you going to live in?” “When will you be back?” All of which I have absolutely no clue of now! Allah has those answers and they have not been even remotely revealed to us yet! Anyways, other comments were like “Oh, you are so lucky!..and others like “You are the chosen one!” Hmm…these comments actually remind me more of something else..that this is more about being tested than blessed. I said this to them too, because imagine if someone who is surrounded by masajid, the beauty of Islam…and not take it to heart and not benefit from it by increasing in knowledge, iman, and ibaadat? Subhan’Allah, or even becoming numb to salah, fasting, or doing good deeds out of routine..Then surely the test would have earned a bad score, not hassanat. May Allah protect me and the Muslims from this.

 People tend to take advantage of what they have, and perhaps this is why those devout Muslims you see in the West are really devout, because they fear and understand the reality of having a lack of faith and no the risk is so high due to the environment. But maybe some (no, not all) in Muslim countries, because they know it’s so easy to gain knowledge and such they aren’t as eager? ALLAH knows best, and I just pray that I don’t become numb by being in an Islamic environment that worship is done out of routine vs. meaning.

Well, Eid Mubarak everyone…and may Allah guide us all and admit us in His infinite Mercy that we should all be desperate for..

Random ideas and thoughts on performing a hijrah for Allah surfaced a long time ago, but it didn’t seem real, and it seemed more just as casual talks between me and my husband. Thinking back, these chats seemed to have started soon after 9/11.  I was naive, and maybe to a certain extent I was in denial, but the following days, months, and years of living here in the US shed proof that there really is an attack against Islam here in the West.  I’d like to think that it’s a political organized attack, rather than attack by the American people…after-all, I’m one of those people.  But seeing a trucker give me a disgusted look telling me to leave, being called a terrorist walking into work, being told I don’t belong here are just a few very minor convincing incidences that the attack is real. Maybe this has something to do with the area of the country, we’re in now, New England where people are stereotyped as being cold and distant for the most part. In any case, there’s much more troubling things than comments made to me that adds to reasons for skipping this country for a while.  So it turns out this move to a foreign land is more than an imaginary exchanges we’ve discussed…insha’Allah. Islam is so not a part of this society that it freaks me out actually to think of all the crazy influences my children are exposed to. There is only so much lying I can do to protect their minds and emotional development. Call me paranoid if you want, but I am so scared that this society is not helping me teach my children right from wrong…rather it is teaching them the backward affect..that everything running against the pure fitra created by Allah is actually halal, and anything halal is corrupt. (A’uthubillah min el-Shaitan Rajeem.)

You know, I can’t and won’t deny my admiration for things  and concepts of this nation. Because there are some implementations that are actually Islamic in principle, even though the intention is not to serve Allah.  Time Management is one that is imperative here. Allah created time, and with it-Time should be respected, it is in this land for the most part.  Business is business. A contract is ordered by Allah in the Quran at times of agreements, and here…you can’t do anything without one. There are many more factors that insha’Allah I’ll discuss in another post. But the point is, is that no where on the face of this Earth is perfect…because that would be utopia, Jannah. But Allah tells us this, that people corrupt the land, and He gives us a solution if we fear an impaired ability to practice Islam as it should: to make Hijrah…not to make an excuse.  Hijrah has been explained in the sense of a spiritual retreat in shunning away negative habits as well.  But I don’t know, because to me that’s such a major point in being Muslim who loves Allah more than anyone or anything else. Anyways… 

Three years living in this house and my entire 31 years of life living in this land of “opportunity” seems to be coming to a quick end. Insha’Allah, a few more hours and a 20′ container will be trucked to US customs then across the Atlantic off to a place that is justly beautified and curiously unknown to me, my husband and children.  In general we are not risk takers, but who are we to pass up a hijrah to Madinah Munawarra when Allah seems to have opened those doors for us? Shaitan ar-Rajeem has really tried his best in convincing me this is a crazy thing, but then I come to the ayah in the Quran, 9:24 where Allah reminds me to consider the following:

 ”Say: If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your kindred, the wealth that you have gained, the commerce in which you fear a decline, and the dwellings in which you delight are dearer to you than Allah and His Messenger, and striving hard and migrating in His Cause, then wait until Allah brings about His Decision. And Allah guides not the people who are Al-Fasiqoon (the rebellious, disobedient to Allah).”

This is a clear warning for me, and for everyone really who has a stronger attachment to their families than their Creator, who feel to have job security and rather hold onto positions instead of placing their trust in the One who made their jobs possible, and who even beautify there homes beyond what is necessary leading to a surrounding of increased gain without appreciating that these materials are gifts and even tests of their gratefulness.  This ayah is for those who neglect their duties towards Allah and claim that they are in places that impose difficulty on them in practicing Islam.  Allah changes the condition of hearts when the intention to please Allah is within one’s soul.  So although hijrah is not for everyone, we can’t be locked into the idea that it’s not the right decision for some, especially if one knows deep down that there has got to be a more moral, righteous place for their placement to support their purpose of life in worshipping Allah. Many times I just pick up the Quran and ask Allah to guide me to any ayah that would increase me in contentment or give me strength that this is right thing…to move to Madinah Munawarra. I mean I’ve always knew it was, but that doesn’t mean I have never needed motivation.  So subhan’Allah it is often this ayah that my eyes would be laid upon first randomly opening the Quran. Subhan’Allah.

My parents who have pretty much raised our kids with us, my daughter’s hearing care services, lacking knowledge in how the schools run there, being weak in Arabic, and just being in a different world for at least a year insha’Allah creates a little nervousness within me. But looking at the big picture, and also to be fair…I am excited insha’Allah and pray that this will be an opportunity not only for us, but for everyone who we are close with insha’Allah. Making a hijrah for sabil’illah is not supposed to be easy. Living life is not supposed to be easy either.  Struggling for just causes…and for the ultimate just cause of pleasing Allah is exactly that: a struggle. Allah promises us that we will be tested, and no one is exempt from tests.

So the countdown is on…

and ALLAH knows best..

Well, if you read my last post you know about a few of the comments made by the staff at my daughter’s school in regards to our hijrah insha’Allah. I do not get into the detail of what the motivation is for us to leave this land right now, aside that my husband was offered a one-year contract in Madinah Munawarra. Maybe people think he’s going to make much more money: false.  Maybe they think, we are just crazy: false. Maybe they think we are just in it for the adventure: false…especially with 4 small kids! Maybe they think we are Muslim extremists: umm, definantly false. But no one has really confronted us and asked us.  Unanimously, people have said “Well, it will be an experience.” As if anything in life isn’t an experience in itself. I just go with that, because their comments are things I have considered, and alhamdulilah have gotten over it..pretty quickly too.  To be fair I don’t blame them to a certain extent.  Questions don’t bother me, what annoys me is the way things are questioned.  There are two ways in finding answers: 1. To speculate and ask even though one has an answer already, just for the purpose of challenging. and 2. To ask out of true curiosity, out of sincerity.  So, whatever it is they think, perhaps many..or maybe just a few may come to assume we are doing this for the seeking Allah’s Mercy that we, or at least I am in so desperate need of, especially when it comes to being a mother to four young kids. But for whatever reason they speculate, the only thing that matters is that Allah keeps my heart pure without any interference from Shaitan inciting arrogance or even just confidence that this hijrah is accepted from Allah.

Allah knows the essence of my heart more than I do, and for my soul’s sake, I pray that it always remains on the side of righteousness.  So as some “non-believing in anything” woman (pretty much admittingly almost an atheist) recently said to me: ” To cover up entirely is sort of like an ostentation as if a woman dressed in Islamic dress code is saying “look how pious I am.” As livid as I was, I had to let it go. (but I didn’t!…and then I did)…     Basically, what happened was we went back and forth via email (yeah I know her, she works at my daughter’s school!) and then I was so flamed that I was about to just tell her off and send her Surat Al-Kaafiroon when my husband and father told me that it’s not worth fighting ignorance and that I should have just let it go from the beginning. But this was the same woman who asked me how would I explain to my children all the public beheadings and executions that go on in the Holy Lands? Hmm…definantly ignorant, so I finally did what I should have done..and I let it go.  But with everything it was a test that a lesson was laid out for me.  This comment though was also a warning to me, that just because I am there or that Allah may facilitate my life to be there…doesn’t make me any better than the next Muslimah in Australia, the UK, or here in Boston.  It added to my presumed thoughts that although there are many virtues to Madinah Munawarra and opportunities to be gained from there insha’Allah, that there will still be my ego, my temperment with the kids, my own personal issues that I will have to face…and to really benefit from the land there is to truly overcome these weakenesses I definantly possess.  To pray out of routine, to be numb to the sound of the adhaan, to have decreased tears roll down my face everytime I walk into the Holy Mosques be it in Madinah Munawarra or Makkah Al-Mukarrama, to not grasp onto the Arabic as I should, to take what I have for granted…and much more, will be held against me on the Day of Judgement if I let Shaitan get the best of me. May Allah protect us from Allah’s Wrath and from the temptations of this donia that seem so tasty yet are really gross come Resurrection time.

As much as we have for baraka, there are quizzes in every single bit of the blessings.  Everything good in our life, even those leftovers in the fridge eaten especially at suhoor, or that faucet that magically turns on clean water…are gifts from Allah, and perhaps even more than that they are tests yielding gratefulness or conceit.  So although this is a hijrah to Madinah insha’Allah, and although people think I am wack, blessed, adventurous, or brainwashed maybe….whatever…the thing that holds the most truth is that I am tested, such as everyone else…and this might be the way that Allah wills  His test for me and my, a hijrah to Madinah Munawarra insha’Allah…

 May Allah guide us all on the Straight Path…Ameen. We all need the guiding…