Luminosity

“The believers are those who believe in God and His Messenger, then have not doubted, and have struggled with their possessions and their selves in the way of God; those — they are the truthful ones. “

{Quran al Kareem, 49:15}

This is all I want for them, for my children..for my family..and myself.  May Allah guide us all and our Ummah..Ameen. 

Inquiring minds wanted to know, it went like like this…

Sign, my 8 year old girl asked: “Mama, why do we need to pray to Allah if He doesn’t need us too?”Me: “Because Allah created us for the only purpose of worshipping Him.”Sign: “Because He’s testing us?”Me: “Yeah, we all have a choice.”Sign: “Ok Mama”..and she leaves back to her bed with Quran recitation in the background playing into the childrens’ bedrooms.

I didn’t get into more detail with her, simply because she jumped out of bed to ask me these questions and I have drilled them with this information time and time again.  But I suspect that everything I teach my children will have to be re-confirmed in their hearts as adults for a pre-requisite in being adult Mumineen with taqwa, ihsaan, and a burning desire for ibadah.  Maybe “pre-requisite” isn’t the most appropriate way to describe it.   But to smoothly accept Islam as rationale reflectors rather than just accepting Truth without understanding it.  In my life I have met Muslims who accept Islam in their hearts in 2 ways:  Faith through reason, or Reason through faith.  I hope my children will have of both.  I don’t want them to follow everything blindly just because they should because then I fear salah and deeds will be done just for the sake of being done.  At the same time, there has to be a balance of not going overboard with the questions, because although we are to seek answers, we shouldn’t look for knowledge that is only with Allah. I know there is a hadith somewhere about that..

So now, I feel like I need to down pour them with knowledge and yet am not doing as much as needed.  Granted I am doing more these days, but still something is still off.  My patience crashes, I don’t get on their cases about wudu as I should, and their sibling rivalry drives me insane and leaves me in a hopeless mess. I can’t help but make duaa that Allah will guide them and that they will be amongst those in Jannat-al Firdous.  Raising these kids is real scary if I sit to think.  I have a huge responsibility and many times I think I undermine it, and by doing so I neglect my duties towards them.  People back in the US have often told me, family and acquaintenances, of how overly protective I am of them.  I don’t really think that. But  ironically, I get those comments here too.  Admittingly, I am fearful of letting go, because I know there’s going to come a time insha’Allah that I will have no other option.  If Allah wills, I only have a few more years of this and then my job of teaching them through stories, commanding them to do this or being convincing might very well end. They trust me, and Allah has given me 4 tiny souls with big hearts loving Him, as an Amana. I don’t want to screw up. I pray that I don’t.

 Subhan’Allah,  being a mom is not easy, everytime my ego tells me I’ve got it together..the reality check slaps me back to reality that its just an illusion. A cycle that can be explained like this.  You know that phrase “the more you learn, the more you know?” Well somehow for me it’s like the more I seek knowledge, experience or patience the more it seems I need.  This is that never-ending process I feel like I go through everyday with them. This cycle is my jihad with hopes towards Allah in turning them out as souls with true Taqwa.  

Speaking of Sabr’, on the way back from Makkah (insha’Allah i’ll get to that in a minute), Sign asked me what I was reading as my eyes were glared down in the middle of the dessert 1/2 way back home to Madinah.  I was on the chapter of Prophet Ayub, alayhee asalaam from  ”Stories of the Prophets”.  She started telling me the story of his great patience..and with detail too, mashaAllah. I took a look at her father beside me and asked if he taught this to her, she replied “No you did mama!!” SubhanAllah, I don’t even remember teaching these kids some things they come up with, but it proved to me that YES! Alhamdulilah, my my tiny effort in teaching my children through stories of Quran might be actually sinking in. With eyes of interest and hearts opened with imagination glowing from their eyes during storytime, explanation of sunnah time, and in general talking of Islam time, it gives me hope that they will apply these to their lives and it will impact their personalities in a positive light.  It’s just when I see them losing it with each other, huffing and puffing when I tell them to pick up their room, or to refrain from sharing with each other I get discouraged and have no choice aside from invoking Allah with this mothering gig I have going on. Sigh….kids will be kids…alhamdulilah.

The other night when we left Masjid an-Nabi and found our 5 pairs of shoes thrown on the courtyard and the stroller no where to be seen.  I said “Astakfullilah!” (3rd time to lose a stroller since we’ve moved here, and 2 others broke-so this is number 6!) Sign said “Mama, this is just a test from Allah!” While I thought, a test with the stroller again?!! We ended up finding some kids playing with it on the other side of the courtyard.  I was livid and the 10ish year old boy and little bro was scared.  I asked where his mother was..and reminded him that what he did was HARAM to take something that didn’t belong to him..especially in Madinah.  His mother apologized ofcourse, but then let out a comment that made me upset “I told him to go give the stroller back to who he took it from” Subhan’Allah, he was still playing with it right infront of her..maybe she was just busy or something.  I had to remember the 70 excuses rule given by Prophet Muhammad-salAllahu alayhee wasalam..Parents need to wake up, especially here. Before I moved here I thought for sure I’d find the strictest of parents and I’d be the laid back one.  This couldn’t be further from the truth though. Parents often give their children excuses that because they are kids given them the lollipops, let them stay up late, and let a whining child get their way most of the time (not just some).  I guess this works for them, but not for me…and yet I do not claim anywhere near perfection..(i mean no where at all!). So back to the point…fold up & lock up those strollers!!  This also probably explains what happened to our other one! May Allah reward the sister from one of the Khaleej countries who got up to help me look for it. Ameen.

Anyways, then there’s Mercy who whenever she catches me exchanging more than a few words after Salaams to another..she asks “Is she going to be your friend?!” Last night walking out of the Haram this is exactly what happened as she listened to another sister and I talking about our backgrounds (she’s from NY, afghani decent).  I politely reminded her, she is a sister in Islam and being sisters is more than being friends.  We talked about what brotherhood and sisterhood in Islam means, they thought it was funny that the Ummah are a bunch of sibling! :-)  But I think they finally get it alhamdulilah, and I can only hope that when they sneak a peak at me looking out for the elderly or my husband giving a bag of food to a random street worker that they will really understand the love between the believers.  I pray that Allah will accept this because good deeds mean nothing if not for Allah alone..(Ameen).  But the thing is, I try to follow the Book of Allah, and be the copy-cat of Rasullilah(as) and most beautiful women, but I am faaaaaaaaaaar from that, and there is sooooooo much room for improvement.  The problem is when my children see me as ideal. I don’t want them to see me as that, because then I fear they will not try to be better.  May Allah guide them so they remain upon fitrah..

Makkah was, as always is, Magnificient. masha’Allah.   Rennovations to make Sayee’ bigger is the current thing there, and although the locals of Saudi and the Arab states may call it busy, the world would call it pretty much empty especially for a Thursday Umrah.  Weather was beautiful, but by Friday at Fajr noses were red and drippy while their fingers were wishing they brought their gloves.  Subhan’Allah never had I experienced Makkah with such a beautifully cool (borderline cold) active breeze like that.  Quite refreshing alhamdulilah.  Nearly cried when walking back towards the hotel for our bags after Jummuah though. I get this feeling that everytime I go there it could very well be my last time under the Arsh of Allah..and it scares me. But especially when Sign (again) asked:  “Mama, you say when we go to Makkah it’s because Allah is inviting us, so when we leave is it because He’s asking us to leave?” I told her it’s just Him planning our time, and our time is up..for now and hopefully not forever!” Yeah, masha’Allah she’s been full of comments lately!! 

On a different note though we saw the monkeys again!  The past few times we’ve gone, we see the monkeys playing on the highway, and the sides.  Often a couple of cars are parked to interact with them, we’ve meant too  but we always miss them by going too fast to actually stop.  Hmm, I wonder if there were monkeys back in the days of Rasullilah, alayhee salat wa salaam’s hijrah??  There is a theory about the history of these monkeys I’ve heard but for the sake of not offending anyone I’ll keep them to myself!

My kids are my life, and my deen is what keeps me balanced..and when I feel out of whack like this I can’t help but think its a deficiency of my relationship with Allah.  There are so many Muslims across the world that are better than me, more deserving, so when people say I am blessed to be living in Madinah Munawarra, I have to say it reminds me of my duties that are hanging on my neck.  I don’t know, but because Allah is the Most Fair, al-Adl,  it seems that by being here, my soul has actually been given a bigger responsibility than maybe most other Muslims towards doing the right thing.  One of my fears of being here in Madinah is that I may come to take this place for granted, but when Allah sends me to Makkah Mukarrama, it is a rejuvenator, a cleanser of my niyya’…Allah knows best..

 We made a stop in Jeddah on the way back so my husband could apply for a family visit visa for my mother (please join me in making duaa for her, she is sick, and I’m the other side of the globe from her and this is my only way to help her to make beg Allah to cure her of her asthma-jazakALlah kheir).  Jeddah is sooo different than Madinah.  It reminds me so much of my upbringing home, Boston.  They have the ritzy hotels, exquisite malls and stores..and although we only went into IKEA for a stroll it was pretty cool because it was a little piece of the West right here in Saudi.  There was a Chuckee Cheese there too that was sort of like a mall, mashaAllah. Kids obviously won and we went there for some fun.  It was the morning though like 10:30ish..and here no one is awake then. So they had the rides and fun all to themselves, mashaAllah. I assume after Isha it’s packed. But the best thing about Jeddah was a 30 minute stop we made by a river where the kids were playing in the sand.  Never had I seen a Masjid on a beach, let alone listening to Adhan al-Duhr surrounded by Allah’s beautiful creations of seagull.  There were a few men working there, cleaning and at the shop, but they left for salah along with my husband mashaAllah.  I then let the sun hit my face with the warm breeze as they were making sandcastles and such. This was Allah giving us a piece pure uncorrupted sweetness of donia…making me more eager for becoming a Jannati…(ya Rabb!).   

Prior to our trip, I met up with a dear friend who is the owner of this store/resourceful site geared towards reviving the Sunnah of health, particularly hijama: http://healthmeanswealth.co.uk. On and off she has taught me about hijama, you know cupping.  So ignorant to what it was, I began reading up on it..Last week I met up with her and I got it done.  A very light and dry hijama, but hijama it was!  InshaAllah I’ll have to post more about it later inshaAllah when I go for the wet hijama.  So much benefit  as claimed in the homeopathy medical field, used for thousands of years in the eastern world, and my favorite reason to learn more about it…it’s Sunnah, and with Sunnah..you can’t go wrong inshaAllah!

About the happenings at Masjid an-Nabi, I have a phone number, so jot it down starting with the country code: (966) 04-823-2400.  Good to use for Umrah planning too I guess, because you can ask them questions on the hours for Rawdah, or whatever the current events and timings are. Finally, a year later I got it and inshaAllah from a dear sister..inshaAllah I hope to make a page with all the important numbers of Madinah somewhere on this blog for anyone’s interest, because getting info on Madinah if you’re not here can be very difficult.  Anyways, I used it to gain info about the Quran tajweed circles for my girls. InshaAllah in a week we hope to start heading there 4 nights a week between Maghrib and Isha for their classes. That’s if there’s room for them because I guess they are lacking qualified teachers these days for their halaqas where normally that hasn’t been a problem in the past. Allah knows best.  My son on the other hand, who isn’t 5 yet can’t be registered, too young.  But on the woman’s side of the Haram they have classes for boys 5 to 6 years old.  Nothing for them younger, and if older than 6 then they have to be studying the Book of Allah in the brother’s section. 

Which reminds me, we were walking in the other night and mashaAllah lots of space now that the hujjaj are gone and no one is here on an Umrah visa yet, the female guard on the right told me that he’s too old and needs to be with his father! I said “What?? him?!!..he’s 4!!” Subhan’Allah..people here..(ok, no gossip) The guard on our left said, “yeah..he’s young!” (arabic ofcourse)..backing me. We walked in without problems and I had to remind my little sheikh that he’s growing too fast, masha’Allah. He usually goes with his baba anyway..but we were going to be there a little longer than usual, so I insisted he come with me. Alhamdulilah. Modesty here can not be overtold…it is everywhere and with everything.  This is the religion, this is the culture, but I can’t deny that sometimes it is a little beyond necessary..beyond deen.  I have seen boys as young as 7 not allowed to enter the Haram with their moms, and my own daughter who was 7 was not allowed to enter with my husband. Entrance into Masjid an-Nabawi is actually more of a process with checking the bags, asking to surrender cameras, gender segregation, foods and the like than entering Masjid al-Haram in Makkah…even during these slow days.  Kheir inshaAllah. 

Today my husband went with some of his colleagues to the Quran Printing Complex. I don’t have the site bookmarked but I can get it later and add it that page I’d like to complete inshaAllah.  Last year when my mother visited, it was only 3 months into my new life here, they denied my mother and I from entering.  No women allowed, only around hajj time and by large group appointments apparantly, hmm..whatever. I blow these situations off because if I dwell I’ll get ticked and the beauty here in Madinah outweighs the culural flaws of Saudi society. Alhamdulilah.  Anyways, as I was saying..my husband told me that there was a Quran being sold for a ridiculous amount of 1875.oo riyals?! Quran is priceless and I guess what made this so expensive was the gold ink and whatever else you can imagine.  There’s got to be a fatwa against that somewhere!! To be fair though, the Complex is responsible for printing and distributing Qurans all across the world, even Braille..which ofcourse I as an OT, alhamdulilah would totally advocate for.  He also told me there was like a 3 foot Quran for about 60 riyals.  I actually think it would be helpful to have something like this around for teaching the kids arabic, and within a sensory approach to learning Ayat Allah. Various languages obviously.  I like the color coded Tajweed though and my husband told me most of those are made in Syria, but with the large fonts it wouldn’t be so difficult I guess. We’ll see inshaAllah.

Another thing we did recently was head off to the Darussalam bookshop.  I had to force myself not to buy more.  Mahsa’Allah, really great books.  I bought a planner that has ayat on every page in Arabic and English, surprisingly cheap.  One thing I was about to pick up, but then didn’t is a Children’s Encyclopedia on Islam.  Pics of ancient ruins with stories from the Quran..but they got enough and I already need to finish up a few books here with them (and myself) before I get anymore.  Although I don’t think I can be that strong against the temptation next time inshaAllah!

I think I got more personal than I usually do here at “Luminosity” in this post, but at the same time, I hope to show some of the richness of what its like here in Madinah Munawarra. Forgive me if I’ve said anything in error, my intention was just to portray some clips of my life while hopefully encouraging others to have hope in Allah’s Mercy and Fearing His Wrath..a balance I try to find and maintain evey moment (or at least I should)…may Allah help us all find that balance. AMEEN.

…and Allah Knows Best.