Luminosity

Mercy, my 5 year old daughter  was watching the hujjaj in Makkah on tv as they were in the area of the Jamaraat. 

She reflectively said: “Hey!! There will be no room for us over there when we go because there’s so many people already!!”

Before my husband or I had a chance to respond, her 3 year old little brother wanted to share his solution to this “problem”.

Strong’Believer said: “That’s ok, they will just excuse-me for us!”  

Subhan’Allah. I thought I might be able to fast today, but I can’t. Relating this to my husband I said maybe Allah would not accept it from me…even though the reward for fasting today is so grand according to our beloved Rasullilah (sal’Allahu alayhee wa’salam) for it is the Day of Arafat.  My husband then said, and insha’Allah you won’t fast next year either. Hmm?! He quickly added maybe Allah will invite me for Hajj -so instead of fasting maybe insha’Allah I will be standing on Jabal ar-Rahmah supplicating with millions of other Muslims. Allah knows best. That was a pleasant dream to start my day with.

So our house is almost empty, anyone want to buy it?! My important documentations like medical and school records are all packed in a carry-on bag, sleeping on mattresses, and eating whatever my mother cooks and brings over for us as all our kitchen gear is packed or donated away.  Our container has been put on hold by US customs, which was sort of a given anyway seeing that it’s making its way to Saudi insha’Allah. Yesterday I brought my oldest to her school from last year (I’m homeschooling this year) to say bye to all her friends whom she sees almost every friday at Jummuah.  I was asked more questions from the teachers and Muslim sisters there like: “So do you know about the schools there?” ”Where in Madinah are you going to live in?” “When will you be back?” All of which I have absolutely no clue of now! Allah has those answers and they have not been even remotely revealed to us yet! Anyways, other comments were like “Oh, you are so lucky!..and others like “You are the chosen one!” Hmm…these comments actually remind me more of something else..that this is more about being tested than blessed. I said this to them too, because imagine if someone who is surrounded by masajid, the beauty of Islam…and not take it to heart and not benefit from it by increasing in knowledge, iman, and ibaadat? Subhan’Allah, or even becoming numb to salah, fasting, or doing good deeds out of routine..Then surely the test would have earned a bad score, not hassanat. May Allah protect me and the Muslims from this.

 People tend to take advantage of what they have, and perhaps this is why those devout Muslims you see in the West are really devout, because they fear and understand the reality of having a lack of faith and no the risk is so high due to the environment. But maybe some (no, not all) in Muslim countries, because they know it’s so easy to gain knowledge and such they aren’t as eager? ALLAH knows best, and I just pray that I don’t become numb by being in an Islamic environment that worship is done out of routine vs. meaning.

Well, Eid Mubarak everyone…and may Allah guide us all and admit us in His infinite Mercy that we should all be desperate for..

Random ideas and thoughts on performing a hijrah for Allah surfaced a long time ago, but it didn’t seem real, and it seemed more just as casual talks between me and my husband. Thinking back, these chats seemed to have started soon after 9/11.  I was naive, and maybe to a certain extent I was in denial, but the following days, months, and years of living here in the US shed proof that there really is an attack against Islam here in the West.  I’d like to think that it’s a political organized attack, rather than attack by the American people…after-all, I’m one of those people.  But seeing a trucker give me a disgusted look telling me to leave, being called a terrorist walking into work, being told I don’t belong here are just a few very minor convincing incidences that the attack is real. Maybe this has something to do with the area of the country, we’re in now, New England where people are stereotyped as being cold and distant for the most part. In any case, there’s much more troubling things than comments made to me that adds to reasons for skipping this country for a while.  So it turns out this move to a foreign land is more than an imaginary exchanges we’ve discussed…insha’Allah. Islam is so not a part of this society that it freaks me out actually to think of all the crazy influences my children are exposed to. There is only so much lying I can do to protect their minds and emotional development. Call me paranoid if you want, but I am so scared that this society is not helping me teach my children right from wrong…rather it is teaching them the backward affect..that everything running against the pure fitra created by Allah is actually halal, and anything halal is corrupt. (A’uthubillah min el-Shaitan Rajeem.)

You know, I can’t and won’t deny my admiration for things  and concepts of this nation. Because there are some implementations that are actually Islamic in principle, even though the intention is not to serve Allah.  Time Management is one that is imperative here. Allah created time, and with it-Time should be respected, it is in this land for the most part.  Business is business. A contract is ordered by Allah in the Quran at times of agreements, and here…you can’t do anything without one. There are many more factors that insha’Allah I’ll discuss in another post. But the point is, is that no where on the face of this Earth is perfect…because that would be utopia, Jannah. But Allah tells us this, that people corrupt the land, and He gives us a solution if we fear an impaired ability to practice Islam as it should: to make Hijrah…not to make an excuse.  Hijrah has been explained in the sense of a spiritual retreat in shunning away negative habits as well.  But I don’t know, because to me that’s such a major point in being Muslim who loves Allah more than anyone or anything else. Anyways… 

Three years living in this house and my entire 31 years of life living in this land of “opportunity” seems to be coming to a quick end. Insha’Allah, a few more hours and a 20′ container will be trucked to US customs then across the Atlantic off to a place that is justly beautified and curiously unknown to me, my husband and children.  In general we are not risk takers, but who are we to pass up a hijrah to Madinah Munawarra when Allah seems to have opened those doors for us? Shaitan ar-Rajeem has really tried his best in convincing me this is a crazy thing, but then I come to the ayah in the Quran, 9:24 where Allah reminds me to consider the following:

 ”Say: If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your kindred, the wealth that you have gained, the commerce in which you fear a decline, and the dwellings in which you delight are dearer to you than Allah and His Messenger, and striving hard and migrating in His Cause, then wait until Allah brings about His Decision. And Allah guides not the people who are Al-Fasiqoon (the rebellious, disobedient to Allah).”

This is a clear warning for me, and for everyone really who has a stronger attachment to their families than their Creator, who feel to have job security and rather hold onto positions instead of placing their trust in the One who made their jobs possible, and who even beautify there homes beyond what is necessary leading to a surrounding of increased gain without appreciating that these materials are gifts and even tests of their gratefulness.  This ayah is for those who neglect their duties towards Allah and claim that they are in places that impose difficulty on them in practicing Islam.  Allah changes the condition of hearts when the intention to please Allah is within one’s soul.  So although hijrah is not for everyone, we can’t be locked into the idea that it’s not the right decision for some, especially if one knows deep down that there has got to be a more moral, righteous place for their placement to support their purpose of life in worshipping Allah. Many times I just pick up the Quran and ask Allah to guide me to any ayah that would increase me in contentment or give me strength that this is right thing…to move to Madinah Munawarra. I mean I’ve always knew it was, but that doesn’t mean I have never needed motivation.  So subhan’Allah it is often this ayah that my eyes would be laid upon first randomly opening the Quran. Subhan’Allah.

My parents who have pretty much raised our kids with us, my daughter’s hearing care services, lacking knowledge in how the schools run there, being weak in Arabic, and just being in a different world for at least a year insha’Allah creates a little nervousness within me. But looking at the big picture, and also to be fair…I am excited insha’Allah and pray that this will be an opportunity not only for us, but for everyone who we are close with insha’Allah. Making a hijrah for sabil’illah is not supposed to be easy. Living life is not supposed to be easy either.  Struggling for just causes…and for the ultimate just cause of pleasing Allah is exactly that: a struggle. Allah promises us that we will be tested, and no one is exempt from tests.

So the countdown is on…

and ALLAH knows best..

Well, if you read my last post you know about a few of the comments made by the staff at my daughter’s school in regards to our hijrah insha’Allah. I do not get into the detail of what the motivation is for us to leave this land right now, aside that my husband was offered a one-year contract in Madinah Munawarra. Maybe people think he’s going to make much more money: false.  Maybe they think, we are just crazy: false. Maybe they think we are just in it for the adventure: false…especially with 4 small kids! Maybe they think we are Muslim extremists: umm, definantly false. But no one has really confronted us and asked us.  Unanimously, people have said “Well, it will be an experience.” As if anything in life isn’t an experience in itself. I just go with that, because their comments are things I have considered, and alhamdulilah have gotten over it..pretty quickly too.  To be fair I don’t blame them to a certain extent.  Questions don’t bother me, what annoys me is the way things are questioned.  There are two ways in finding answers: 1. To speculate and ask even though one has an answer already, just for the purpose of challenging. and 2. To ask out of true curiosity, out of sincerity.  So, whatever it is they think, perhaps many..or maybe just a few may come to assume we are doing this for the seeking Allah’s Mercy that we, or at least I am in so desperate need of, especially when it comes to being a mother to four young kids. But for whatever reason they speculate, the only thing that matters is that Allah keeps my heart pure without any interference from Shaitan inciting arrogance or even just confidence that this hijrah is accepted from Allah.

Allah knows the essence of my heart more than I do, and for my soul’s sake, I pray that it always remains on the side of righteousness.  So as some “non-believing in anything” woman (pretty much admittingly almost an atheist) recently said to me: ” To cover up entirely is sort of like an ostentation as if a woman dressed in Islamic dress code is saying “look how pious I am.” As livid as I was, I had to let it go. (but I didn’t!…and then I did)…     Basically, what happened was we went back and forth via email (yeah I know her, she works at my daughter’s school!) and then I was so flamed that I was about to just tell her off and send her Surat Al-Kaafiroon when my husband and father told me that it’s not worth fighting ignorance and that I should have just let it go from the beginning. But this was the same woman who asked me how would I explain to my children all the public beheadings and executions that go on in the Holy Lands? Hmm…definantly ignorant, so I finally did what I should have done..and I let it go.  But with everything it was a test that a lesson was laid out for me.  This comment though was also a warning to me, that just because I am there or that Allah may facilitate my life to be there…doesn’t make me any better than the next Muslimah in Australia, the UK, or here in Boston.  It added to my presumed thoughts that although there are many virtues to Madinah Munawarra and opportunities to be gained from there insha’Allah, that there will still be my ego, my temperment with the kids, my own personal issues that I will have to face…and to really benefit from the land there is to truly overcome these weakenesses I definantly possess.  To pray out of routine, to be numb to the sound of the adhaan, to have decreased tears roll down my face everytime I walk into the Holy Mosques be it in Madinah Munawarra or Makkah Al-Mukarrama, to not grasp onto the Arabic as I should, to take what I have for granted…and much more, will be held against me on the Day of Judgement if I let Shaitan get the best of me. May Allah protect us from Allah’s Wrath and from the temptations of this donia that seem so tasty yet are really gross come Resurrection time.

As much as we have for baraka, there are quizzes in every single bit of the blessings.  Everything good in our life, even those leftovers in the fridge eaten especially at suhoor, or that faucet that magically turns on clean water…are gifts from Allah, and perhaps even more than that they are tests yielding gratefulness or conceit.  So although this is a hijrah to Madinah insha’Allah, and although people think I am wack, blessed, adventurous, or brainwashed maybe….whatever…the thing that holds the most truth is that I am tested, such as everyone else…and this might be the way that Allah wills  His test for me and my, a hijrah to Madinah Munawarra insha’Allah…

 May Allah guide us all on the Straight Path…Ameen. We all need the guiding…

I picked up my daughter, Mercy, from school today with a whirl-wind of comments and questions of the lifestyle of Saudi. When I recently made the news public to the director, she seemed pretty blown away along Mercy’s teachers and staff of this oral-deaf school.

Let me backtrack for a second. Last year the director and I met at a starbucks to discuss my daughter’s mainstreaming issues (to wean her into an Islamic school full time, which is a whole other post). It was during this time as we sat across each other she said “You know, meeting you has really dispelled some thoughts I had about Muslim women.” Alhamdulilah. Pretty much she thought along the same lines as most people think, who have never encountered a Muslim woman face to face value. You know the whole oppression thing without a mind etc.  As she got to know our family through meetings, side-talk, seeing our daughter everyday in this tiny school, I think she got a clearer sense of Islam. I hope anyway.

 So alhamdulilah, we’ve had a very open and strong relationship with Mercy’s school as this is her 3rd year there (she’s in KG now) and prior to that 1-2x/s week for speech therapy.  So today I got bombed with inquiries. Things  like:

“I hope you’ll be safe.” “Women can’t drive, what do you think about that?!” “Everyone will think Mercy’s so cool with all her cute clothes.” “What about the public be-headings and public executions..and the children witnessing that?” “The kids there don’t have to wear black too and cover all-up, do they?” “With all the terrorism that’s happened in Jeddah and Riyadh is it safe and are you sure this is the right thing?” “Are there laws to protect children there?”

Quickly, I feared they would look at Islam as something ugly, after the positive image I thought I encouraged these years. I told them that Madinah is a Sacred City and so it is safe, I also told them that terrorism has happened here in NY and can happen anywhere. That children are loved and don’t need to wear black. The driving thing, I gave them the same answer that I gave my 7 yr old daughter, Sign, when she asked, that women not driving is a silly law, but in their view they do it to protect the women from being alone and therefore potential harrassment. Actually, my friend reminded me of the times I’ve been harrassed (on a very small scale compared to other Muslim women) here in this country, US, because I am a Muslimah and chances are that these incidents would not have happened if my brother, husband, or father were beside me. What really got to me though was the beheading comment though. I quickly said ” “No, this doesn’t happen in Madinah, because it is a Sacred City.” To be honest though, I’m not sure. I looked into it, and execution is definantly part of Islamic Shariah but it is so part of western society too. So now I feel like I have an obligation to go back to this woman and set some things straight with her.  My husband made the comment that they probably are thinking of Afghanistan rather than Saudi Arabia. But to them it doesn’t make a difference, I guess. I’ll keep trying inshaAllah.

 Anyways, I’m sure many people…especially people who aren’t Muslim think I’m nuts for leaving my freedom to drive, leaving the land of opportunity..the US, leaving everything I’ve ever known to a land with many questions. But to them I am also crazy for sporting the hijab in the summer heat, and believe I make a big deal out of things like halloween by ignoring it all together. I won’t lie and say that I won’t miss things about my home, aside from family which is an obvious given.  But there is something in my heart that craves Madinah Munawarra, because there is so much more to gain than lose inshaAllah..at least that’s what I hope, and may Allah accept this hijrah for us and purify the hearts of Muslims while rectifying the hearts of all. Ameen. Allah knows best.